I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my mental health issues, and why I have them.
It feels so random in a way. A great deal of people suffering have some sort of trauma they can blame. Like, «I was bullied» or «I was molested». And I can’t point my finger something in my life and say «this is the triggering point». I have sometimes wished I could do just that, like it would make it all easier for me to accept. Because I have felt that it is just my fault, I’m just a broken human being. I don’t even have a reason for being like I am, you know.
I remember mom telling me about how I as a toddler once got lost while we were on vacation. I was gone all day and mom was devastated. There had been a message on the radio about a missing kid and police had just arrived with search dogs when I was found. It was a taxi driver who found me, I was sitting somewhere crying my eyes out. Mom said my face was all dirty and my diaper super heavy, he he. Since that day I clenched my mom’s hand real tight whenever we went somewhere.
I can’t remember any of this, but I have this vague memory of a guy looking through the front windshield of a car and smiling before getting in the front seat. I was so little I barely could see from the backseat. I have always thought that was something from a dream I had as a little girl but I’m really confused now. Could that be the driver after he picked me up? I remember only that 2 second flash and I still remember how I felt. I felt like I was somewhere I shouldn’t be. I felt really out of place. I felt real bad. And I guess for me as a little girl that could have made an impact.
Every time I have been in therapy I have always been asked if there has been any trauma in my life and I have always answered no. Since I don’t have any memory of that incident other than what my mom has told me I always thought that it didn’t matter. I’ve never talked about it, I probably should have.
Maybe this is why I have anxiety. And maybe the reason I never open up, because I’ve always thought I needed to be tough. To only rely on me, and no one else. I bottle up all my emotions to not show weakness. I don’t know. It just got me thinking.
And there is more. One more incident I kinda suppressed for years. I just got reminded of it listening to a podcast by Diablo Rose. But that is another story….