Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)

Sounds kinda heavy. Personality disorder. I was scared when I had to take all these different kind of tests when I was going to the psychologist. I was scared to get a diagnosis, because it felt like a big, huge confirmation that «YES, you are crazy!»

Turns out I suffer from avoidant personality disorder. So yes, apparently I am disturbed!

But I am happy I know that something isn’t quite right because if I didn’t I probably would go crazy. If all these feelings were the truth and not just in my head life wouldn’t be fun at all. It’s very hard as it is, I struggle on a daily basis. And it’s tiresome.

As a hard core introvert with AvPD I keep it to myself. Always and at all times. Sometimes, like today, it gets a bit too much so I need to vent. I don’t want to complain, just get it off my chest. I’m so tired of turning all emotions inward but I keep doing it ALL. THE. TIME. I can’t seem to change that no matter how bad I want to. So I have pretty much given up on trying. I just crawled back into my hard, little shell.

So, what does it mean to have AvPD?

Well, here is a little selection of things I go through pretty much every day:

  • being tense, being fearful
  • feeling socially awkward, feeling inferior, feeling unattractive
  • feeling of being of less worth than everybody else
  • fear of being rejected in social settings
  • low self esteem

Things I do (or don’t) every day:

  • go way past my boundaries to keep others happy
  • avoid physical contact of fear of being too close
  • hate the person I am
  • emotional detachment in intimate situations
  • can’t see how others could enjoy my company
  • have problems with setting boundaries and is easily manipulated by others
  • sort people (or situations) by «not safe», «insensitive» or «selfish» and shut them out if they fall into one of those categories
  • only trust family and a few other people.

Other things I struggle with is when people get too close is that I resist on many levels, but always keep it all to myself. You will never know if you hurt me or made me mad. The fear of being seen and by that exposed makes me isolate myself to keep me safe from being vulnerable. I have a very short temper when it comes to keeping persons in my life or shut them out. Once I’ve decided to cut someone off, they’re off. No second chances.

As a little sprinkle on the top I’m slightly paranoid and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes I wish I my illness was visible on the outside, I find it hard to have a perfectly functioning body but a mind that needs to get away from the world. Its effing hard to go through this each and every day, and having no excuse to be home from work. Being at work is tough, some days its a long uphill from I wake up to I go to bed. I am so exhausted! I really wish I had the possibility to work part time but I can’t afford it. Also, I really don’t want to be at home doing nothing all day every day either. I don’t know… I just need to get off the world sometimes. Like three times a week, haha. At least.

(This is actually an old post I found stored as a draft. I just want to add that some days are better than others but this is pretty much my everyday life.)

 


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